Monday, April 12, 2010

Like a Tusken Raider, I returned, and in greater numbers... with this post.

People come up to me all the time and ask "You there! I say you there! Hey, you...hey.. stop!..hey, wait.. come back!"

They don't usually get the chance to reach the question stage of their speech as I tend to turn in the opposite direction and power-walk as they approach.


Because I am a bad-ass! That is according to Internet quiz-writers who couldn't spell lol, rofl or omg if the success of their cyber-stalking 17 year old girls depended on it. But more on that in another post within the week (the quiz results, not my stalki... you're with me, yes?)

If I didn't act badass, and actually stopped and listened to the question posed by the random, I'm betting they'd ask me "if I was stranded on a desert island and could only have three things, what would they be?"

The first thing us manly-manly-men go to is, of course, the hot chick. But I'm gonna be the realist here. There will undoubtedly be positives (oh.. There'll be positives). But then comes the nagging- "why haven't you built a raft? When are you going to build the raft? Why aren't you building the raft now? Why doesn't my Iphone work? Gawwwh, now I'm all like gonna miss Project Runway!"

You'll endure for a while (for reasons obvious) and then finally you'll... endure some more (because you're a fucking man!) But then eventually you'll find yourself telling your companion that sharks are turned off by blood, so best you leave that cut as an open wound whilst taking a dip... sweetie.

Solution? For your second thing, bring the Bear.

It's all good now. You get the hot-girl-on-a-desert-Island dream. Bear gets the food, shelter and exit strategy sorted (all within an hour of course). The girl's happy. To hell with "good". More like "great". Right?

Wrong! Here's the problem.

This is Bear 'fucking' Grylls!

Chances are, after killing a lion using the jaws of a shark that he speared with a cobra's fang connected to the end of one of Chuck Norris's boots which he summoned using The Force, Bear's gonna go up to your lady-friend-with-privileges and go Old Spice on her.

("Look at your man, now back to me, now...etc")

I call it the Bear-Grylls-Desert-Island Dilemma*.

Potential Solutions:

1. For the third thing, bring bees.

Bear doesn't seem to like Bee stings much. But with Bear's eyesight goes your ticket off the Island. Therefore..

2. Find a girl who likes the indoors, doesn't watch Project Runway, and looks at you, then back to him, then back to you, then back to him, and says "Sadly he's not you, but... meh, you're much closer".

"Oh, you mean closer emotionally, right?"

"I mean spatially".

*If you were part of The Followship (which has increased by 25%... just sayin') you would know that I am bad with titles and hence bad with naming stuff.


  1. I believe you mean Tusken Raider, a sandperson from the desert planet Tatooine, rather than Tuscan Raider, a raider from Tuscanny. Tuscan Raiders are solitary in nature and completely unable to procreate due to years of spice-induced infertility. Also they can never return. Not after what they have done. Not ever.

  2. Blame that pants wearing Scott! He's my spell-checker-guy.

  3. Well there's your problem. Scott is terrible at spelling.